This month is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

When thinking of trauma, the short- and long-term impacts of sexual violence come to mind. It seems bizarre to me, to have an entire post on trauma that has nothing to do with SV. But let me tell you something, I’ve learned that trauma from a variety of other things will really change your perspective. So here goes my not-related-to-SAAM post about trauma. In keeping with other posts I’ve made during this time of year, I will include links to sexual violence support resources!

For those of you who have yet to notice that you haven’t seen me in a few days, I was the subject of one of my worst fears: slipping and falling on a patch of ice. (If you’re reading this on Monday, this incident took place four days ago). Half a dozen stitches in my face later, and I’m healing. Slowly.

Without going over the details, I honestly can’t remember myself falling. I’ve had to recount the incident a few times (at the hospital, to my manager, for quick overviews of why I suddenly cancelled all of my plans this weekend), and each time seems eerily fuzzy.

I don’t remember much because my body was overwhelmed with the impact of hitting the ground, with the bright red blood dripping out of my face, all while being awash with feelings of shame and embarrassment because (I thought) a million people witnessed me eating concrete. It’s been four days, and the whole situation feels surreal. I feel like I don’t have control over my body. It’s actually taken a lot of work for me to feel like I do. I’m at the gym three times a week, working with my trainer, to gain a sense of comfort with how I move safely and comfortably.

I feel like the universe pumped the breaks on those plans. A bit too aggressively, if you ask me.

So here I am, four days in, figuring out how to brush my teeth and put my head through my shirt and sweater holes, without irritating my stitches or causing myself discomfort. Watching each step I take to make sure my feet stay planted on the ground. Moving very slowly, calculated and careful. Truth be told, I feel helpless. I don’t feel incredibly motivational on this Monday, but it’s important to share that, although it may seem like there’s nothing positive about today, I am going to be patient with myself and that’s the best I can do for right now.

That should be enough motivation to last at least the next 24 hours…